Do not kill the part of you that is cringe

Kill the part of you that cringes

Do not kill the part of you that is cringe, kill the part of you that cringes. This is an expression that is running rampant throughout the internet world. There are many memes, videos, tweets, etc. that replicate and explore the idea and what it encapsulates. Time and time again, I find it to be to an anchor of empowerment. I have dog-eared the expression and I want to further explore it today. My interpretation of this simple yet profound saying continuously finds me. It encourages me to burn down the shackles of self perception, criticism and judgment. To recycle that energy into something more worthwhile. Perhaps, into energy for being who I really am, regardless of how it is received or perceived by others.

To, instead of — killing the part of me that is cringy — slaughter the part of me that cringes, and to be set free in the process.

To find wholeness and perfection in my expression in the world, and to choose it over and over again — whatever that looks like. Even when other people don’t like it. Even when it’s weird, or uncomfortable or odd. Even when it is not agreed upon by the masses. Even when no one is there to applaud. Even when no one can reassure me that I am not cringy. Because I am. By embracing that simple fact, I can proceed in my most natural state of multidimensionality and complexity. To be a contradiction, and a surprise. An anomaly. A simple enigma exploding in time space. To be difficult to digest and still, worthy of being witnessed. I am absolutely, disgustingly, tasteful and horrifically, powerfully, magnificent when I do not allow my cringeworthy nature to be a block on my way to showing up authentically.

When I contemplate whether or not there is a part of me that cringes and if there is a part of me that is cringe. The answer to both questions is, of course, yes. I have a lot of compassion for the part of me that cringes. I recognize that the part of me that cringes is fear being activated within me. It is a small part of me that lives within my being who is afraid of being rejected, ostracized and misunderstood by the world.

Once upon a time, the choices I made were largely silent agreements that I chose in order to be accepted above all else. My intention is no longer to be accepted by others above all else. I can recall a time in which that was most important to me, though. When being liked or disliked by the majority felt like life or death. I understand that part of me now as this small aspect of myself that feared being deleted, forgotten and rejected because what she wanted most was to be seen and loved. Don’t we all?

I am able to find the humor now in that it was the most lonely I have ever felt. There I was, so painfully aware, and so careful to align with the principles of the status quo — all in an effort to belong. The outcome was a fierce sense of loneliness. I didn’t know who I was or how to fully accept or celebrate myself. That was the root of it all. I didn’t know then that being alone doesn’t have to feel lonely. Sucker punch.

I was existing in an almost invisible grey neutral state that could blend in anywhere. I would try to fade into the background. At least that is how I remember it. I wanted so badly to be seen that I protected myself from being seen altogether because I was afraid that my truth would be blinding or gross or misinterpreted.

My light has always been on, but there were times I hid it instead of exploring it or aiming it at certain people, places or things. Now I am that of a laser pointer. Inscribed on the soles of my feet in purple ink, MADE IN THE SUN.

I could not totally understand it then, but I do now. Judgment exists in the world. It just does. We have all heard the saying before, that we are going to be judged no matter what, so we may as well be judged for who we are rather than a half ass watered down version of ourselves. It’s much easier to regurgitate than it is to practice. The reason I felt so lonely then was because I wasn’t in touch with who I was. I was out of touch. I was really good at guessing how I was being perceived. I became more and more a shell of myself. No wonder I felt so lonely.

I know that being the only me that there is is my greatest contribution and gift to the world. I’ve always understood this. With every year that passes, I am able to better embody this knowing and not just understand it, but innerstand it. Those are different things — understanding and innerstanding. One is to get it on the surface, the other is to live in it. You get two very different results.

My acting small and reserved resulted in feeling stranded. I felt alone in a room full of people. I felt alone in a four year relationship. I felt alone when I walked into the room with a group of people. I felt alone because I was not showing up in my fullness. I have always been myself, but there are times I have tried to calculate how to make myself more appealing by silencing other parts of myself.

Now if I want to celebrate being alive on Tuesday I will go out to brunch even if I have nobody to go with. There was a time where I would not go because god forbid I be seen alone. Because what could be worse than being seen by yourself? Goodness bless the small girl who held that belief. I hold her with all of my tender compassion and I wait for her.

I will always wait for her. Because now I show up alone every day. I don’t wait for anybody else to accompany me in the pursuit of my own life and my living it. But still, I can draw a string to my preteen years when a cute boy (whom I had a giant crush on) looked at me with eyebrows making worms and questioned, “what are you wearing?”

I had dressed myself that morning with total joy and utter inspiration. I wore my homemade leg warmers recycled from scraps of denim. My mother’s heeled leather boots and my favorite skirt over orange leggings. I remember looking in the mirror that morning as a wee twelve year old and wondering if I should change. I looked at myself and thought I love how I look and I love how I feel. Creating this outfit was a holy experience that I thoroughly enjoyed, but what if people at school think I look stupid? Wouldn’t it be safer to change and wear something more…normal? Less…controversial?

No. I strutted through those halls in my mother’s leather heels a couple sizes too big and my frilly skirt. And then my greatest fear came true. The boy I was crushing on approached me and asked me what I was wearing. His words sharp, as if the outfit I put together was inconceivable. Forbidden according to hierarchal law. It probably was. Nobody had ever done what I had done before that moment in those middle school halls. I had not done what I did because I had good examples.

Us girls would show up in our very uniform outfits every day. We knew what the people wanted, we knew what we would be celebrated for. So more often than not, we would choose that over the best feeling thing. More often than not, we would simply put on the black leggings, Ugg boots and American Eagle sweater and shut up.

I remember feeling so embarrassed that day, but I also felt brave. I felt brave because I was living inside of what I believed in despite it feeling hard. I remember how I glanced back at him with the slyest twelve year old girl response,

“Clothes.“ I said, with fortitude.

Sometimes I laugh about how difficult it can feel to simply be myself in this world. It’s silly. Shouldn’t being myself be the thing that comes most naturally to me? The honest answer is no. It’s not. It is actually a lot easier to observe something and replicate it.

Being yourself takes practice. It is a constant reevaluation and reclamation. It requires courage, integrity and curiosity. It means you don’t always know what you are doing. You can’t see the whole staircase. It is a journey of constant forgetting and remembering. It’s trusting that every small moment is worth choosing yourself, because in doing so — you are arriving closer to the truth of who you are. You owe it to yourself to know who you are.

But, you is often hidden under many layers and years of social conditioning and programming that is not you. We inherit the programming of those we grew up around and the examples we were given. Just because there were people who came before us, does not mean that they ever figured it out. We are all just doing our best with what we know. And if the narrative that you grew up around was that of lack, scarcity and fear — that becomes your programming. That becomes your reality, even if it is not your truth.

Awareness is key here. In bringing awareness to that you did not choose who the world told you to be means you are halfway there. Next comes the choosing. We are often told to find ourselves. To create ourselves. When really, perhaps what is most necessary is to unlearn everything we have been told about who we are and what kind of a world we live in so that we can remember who we are and where we come from.

My conclusion is simple, even if the repercussions are not. I rather be rejected for who I am than be rejected for who I am not.

So, how do I kill the part of me that cringes all while arriving authentically?

I don’t think I can kill it. I have to create a way to learn to live in harmony with the voice that tells me to crawl inside of a hole and die. As long as I am being a true, creative, fully expressed being that follows my heart — as long as I am following my dreams — as long as I am cultivating strong visions for the kind of life that I want to live — as long as I’m doing all that — there will be a voice that tells me to be afraid. As long as I am living large, there will be a voice that tells me to do it more humbly. I do not think it is possible to have one without the other.

Ever notice how when you are doing the deemed honorable and or right thing by the common majority who live mediocre, medium spicy lives, that probably are not in full alignment with the hollering of their heart — everyone keeps their mouth shut? You are going to college right after high school? Bravo. No fear mongering there. Oh! You are getting a 9 to 5 job working for someone else? Nice! Good for you.

But as soon as it’s I’m quitting everything. I’m burning everything down in pursuit of a life that I believe in with every ounce of my being. It’s STOP! BE CAREFUL! BE AFRAID! WHAT IF YOU AMOUNT TO NOTHING?

Listen, I’m not saying you have to live in Antarctica, convert to wizardry or even leave your hometown for it to mean you are listening deeply. If what you want most in this world is a pet mouse, so be it. I am saying that as long as you are creating time and space to inquire further about what success and joy mean to you can you be living in your truth. Only then are you living big. Everything else is an excuse, everything else is playing small. Everything else is running away from the heart of it when you could be chasing you dreams ruthlessly. YOUR DREAMS CAN BE ANYTHING, BUT PLEASE, LET THEM BE YOURS.

There is a road that has been paved for us, time and time again. We are more than welcome to take that path. It’s got built in footsteps, mile markers and road signs. A list with boxes to check off, even! There is a map that you can download into your veins if you like. Step 1. Step 2. Here are the guidelines. Do this. Do not do that.

If you want that, you can have it. I’m not telling you not to want that, I’m just saying, you don’t have to want that.

If you are someone who understands that there is a reason that you are the only you that there is, if you are someone who wants to create the blueprint instead of follow one, if you are someone who wants to lead instead of follow, if you are someone who wants to innovate rather than adopt, if you are someone who wants to question rather than accept…

People are going to cringe. Not only that, people are going to wince. Not only that, people are going to stir you to doubt yourself and your vision. People will encourage you to turn the volume down and to come back to “reality.” It is up to us to remember what kind of a “reality” we want to be a part of. The safe reality where no one questions us about our life choices exists if and only if we agree to subscribe to the the way. What is the way? It is the way it has been done before time and time again. It claims to be bullet proof and sound. Solid even. It even claims to bring you safety, security and longevity.

Here’s the kicker. The world we live in does not owe you a thing. Especially not any institution for that matter. Specifically, not any institution that takes hundreds of thousands of dollars that you do not have for a piece of paper in exchange. This paper grants you access into a make believe realm of reassurance in return. All in hopes that someone will hire you at their company so you can spend the rest of your life waiting to retire.

And here’s the real real kicker. Who are you if you are living somebody else’s life? If you are ctrl + copy paste-ing your way to security and stability, consider this — do you ever wonder what comes after certainty?

If stability is your dream, by all means, create it. But no one is coming to save you. There is no surefire way to make it to the other side. There is truly only one known fact that we can count on. We are all going to die.

Here’s the real real real kicker. Certainty is a fallacy. We choose what we want to believe and then we exist in the reality where that is true.

If you subscribe to this narrative:

My name is Sally and I choose to be 49% of myself because being 100% of myself would mean social rejection, uncertainty, and ample time alone. I know that people accept me and love me when I say yes to them, even when it is not honest. My parents and colleagues would most like me to be indoctrinated into smallness, that is, not thinking or dreaming for myself. My dream of being an artist is scary, and directly contradicts what I have been taught, therefore I will not pursue it. I am scared of being rejected so I will never put myself out there. I will never take risks because that may mean I fail or lose. I am going to be a veterinarian because everyone thinks I should be a veterinarian. Dogs are just okay. But, good benefits! When I wake up, I want to go back to bed, but in thirty five years I can go to the Bahamas.

That is your life, if you choose it.

If you subscribe to the narrative:

My name is Sally and I work to be 110% of myself every day by unlearning everything I have ever been told about who I am. All of the answers exist within me. These answers are my own and therefore unlike anyone else’s. That is my gift. Just because other people don’t understand me, does not mean that I am doing it wrong. It actually means I am doing it right. I am doing it my way, this is the only time it has ever been done before. I am the only me that there will ever be in the history of existence. It makes sense that my path does not look like anybody else’s. I am going to be a famous bassist. I can’t see the whole way to my dream life, but I can see the next right step. That is enough. It is enough because I am leading with my heart. My people will find me. My dreams belong to me. I am supported by an intelligent force that exists beyond the logic that people want to shove down my throat. I believe in magic, therefore I live in magic and magic works for me.

That is your life, if you choose it.

There is no one size fits all. There is the size that fits you. Put it on. Damn it. Put it on even if the small voice screams at you to take it off. Give that voice a ridiculous name, for it is just that, ridiculousness. I named mine Bethany. Bethany is a hater and a b****. She wants me to be microscopic. Therefore, I do not listen to her.

It requires shrill audacity to lead an expedition to someplace that doesn’t exist yet. In that regard, I choose arrogance. What do you choose?

I love you!

Pau